Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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