What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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