You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
