Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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