I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
