So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
