There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
