I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
