i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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