apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
