Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
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