we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize