I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
