we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
His hands were made for my vagina.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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