My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
