Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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