What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
