doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
