its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
