Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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