Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
