i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
