What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
PANTIES FOUND
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