im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
