we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
