I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
