if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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