Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
