I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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