they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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