I swear god or herbie drove my car home
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize