Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
