I showed him my bush... on skype.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
