literally had 100 drinks last night.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
