I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
