i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Randomize
