I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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