Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
