I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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