The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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