how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize