On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
