Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
