I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
from now on my penis is your penis
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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