Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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