What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
