Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
