Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
