is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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