This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
