life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
