Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
