its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize