Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I can't put those talents on a resume
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
