Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
