I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
