just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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