I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
