Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
