Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
